Aren't you afraid of... ? (Written by Tammy)

After hearing that Matt and I are planning to live a life in medical missions, people usually ask where we are headed, if we are taking the kids with us, and then comes the question above. The blank is typically filled in with various forms of these:

“…your kids getting sick?”

“…getting malaria?”

“…your kids getting hurt?”

“…getting the zika virus?”

“…terrorism?”

This blog post will serve to address the fear factor of serving in a remote region overseas (at least as it relates to me).

*Everyday Fears

What do bears, tornados, and centipedes have in common?

I'm upset that I even included this pic in my blog. 

While you might be able to come up with a creative way that these things are connected, the easiest answer is that they are all things that scare me.

My family and friends have been taking camping trips in central Pennsylvania since before I was born. In fact, my dad has been going there since he was 5. When I was in my tweens, I decided to leave the comforts of my parents’ pop-up and sleep in a tent with my cousin. It was my first night in the tent when I heard a bear (or so I thought) grunting close by. I quickly woke my cousin up and whispered, “Steph! Do you hear that? There is a bear out there!” Once she was alert enough to realize what I was talking about, she informed me that the noise I was referring to was my uncle snoring in the tent next to us. Regardless, I returned to the safety of my parents’ camper the next night.

This is just one example of how fear can cause us to do irrational things…like wake our cousin up in the middle of the night because her dad is snoring. While the fears I listed above are minor and simply mean that I avoid them as much as possible, the reality is I (and I’m guessing others too) possess a great number of fears that regularly work to diminish my joy and trust in God.

Shortly after Matt and I were married, he learned how crazy my fears and anxiety can make me. Every night I would ask him if he checked that the doors were locked. I would even wake him up in the middle of the night to double check that he closed the garage door. Often I worry about these things and can’t go to sleep until I go check them myself. Soon after we moved into the house we now rent, I began having trouble sleeping on nights when Matt was working. I would lie awake for hours staring at the cracked bedroom door, imagining shadows passing. Every tiny sound would startle me awake and I would focus intently on listening for anything until I finally drifted back to sleep for another few minutes. I would imagine the house catching on fire and how I would attempt to rescue the kids. I would dream about intruders entering our house and being the victim of a violent crime. Within the past month, I even dreamt of Satan standing over me and strangling me while I was sleeping. My fears of being alone at night became so real for me that Satan had literally entered into my dreams.

*Missionary Fears

While many of my fears are not dependent upon location (Ex. Worrying that either of my kids will develop a terminal illness), preparing for the mission field has opened up a whole new breeding ground for fear in my life. Minor anxieties like…What if my kids have a total meltdown in the middle of the airport? What if I don’t get enough food at the grocery store to last us the entire month? What if I unintentionally say something insensitive? (If I am honest, all 3 of these will probably happen.) After those trivial fears come the big ones…What if we get separated from Matt? What if one of us gets seriously injured? What if my parents have a health crisis? What if we end up in the middle of a violent attack? What if I fail at being a missionary?

Although I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on dealing with fear or knowing how spiritual warfare works, I do know that since last July when Matt and I started taking steps to become full-time missionaries, the presence of fear in my life has increased immensely. I have no doubt that the enemy is trying his hardest to use my fears to keep me from following God’s will for my life. Over the past six months I have seen a counselor to learn how to manage my fears, been more open and honest with others about my fears, and most importantly, increased the amount of time I spend reading God’s word and in prayer. As I said, I am not an expert in this area, but here are some ways that I have found to keep fear from controlling my life.

*Defining My Fears

As fear was quickly turning into anger at both God and my husband for asking me to give up this American life, I realized the need to attend a few counseling sessions to work through some of these issues. While I learned a lot from my counseling, one of the most useful tools I gleaned was to define and dissect my fears.

Step 1: Clearly define my specific fears.

Step 2: Translate them into the worst possible case.

Step 3: Determine what would happen if that fear actually came to be.

So here is a light-hearted example using my fear of bears:

Step 1: Define the Fear: I am afraid of bears attacking me.

Step 2: Worst Possible Case: A bear attacks me and my family while camping and we are all mauled to death.

Step 3: Result: I go to heaven with my family and party with Jesus for all of eternity. My extended family grieves, finds our will, and deals with the few items we actually own on this planet.

See how scary??

While this example is somewhat silly, I actually went through this assignment with each of my biggest fears about a life in full time missions. I discussed them with Matt and together we came up with an action plan in the case that any of my greatest fears actually happened. It was a very somber discussion, but it left me feeling relieved. I finally recognized how irrational many of my fears are. Additionally, I realized that if my worst fears do come true, God and my family will be there to help me through.

*Communicating with God about my fears

While analyzing my fears allowed me to capture and tackle exactly what I was afraid of, I found that the enemy was still capable of using my fears against me. I have never felt the presence of Satan as much as I have since we started this full-time missions process. The enemy does not want my family to succeed. Which tells me that God must have something great planned. Satan’s lies have become a daily weight in our family. While he likes to change up his tactics to keep us on our toes, one of his favorite ways to mess with me is to instigate fear. For a while I listened to Satan and allowed fear to tear my relationship with my family and God apart. It was through songs at church and in the car that I started to hear truth from God.

“I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind. 

The God of angel armies is always by my side.” (Chris Tomlin)

“I am holding on to you. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on. I am.” 

(David Crowder)

I would fight to hold back the tears anytime these songs came on because there was such an intense battle going on inside of me. A battle between Satan saying, “Your worst fears are going to happen. Your life is going to be destroyed.” And God saying, “I’ve got this. You won’t be alone.” As God was working in my heart through music, I began to recognize my need to increase the amount of time I spent reading my Bible and praying. I started studying His word more frequently and with more focus. I started memorizing scripture that speaks truth into my life.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise-in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56: 3-4)

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1: 9)

I started praying earnestly for God to protect me from Satan’s schemes. I would (and still do) fall asleep begging God to keep the enemy out of my head. Matt and I started asking some of our closest friends and mentors to join us in prayer for protection. Although my struggle with fear is still a daily battle, I am not fighting it alone anymore. I have family, friends, and most importantly, the God of angel armies on my side. The only defense I found to keeping fear from controlling my life is to regularly and desperately read scripture and spend time in prayer.

Not as scary as the other 2 pics, but they can still be scary at times.  :)

*My preschooler induced epiphany

A few weeks ago I was driving in the car with the kids. The song “You Make Me Brave” came on the radio and I started to get my praise on. The bridge lyrics are:

“You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves. 

You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you’ve made.” 

(Bethel Music)

Elana was listening to me sing along with the radio and interrupted, “Mommy, why does God make us brave?” I mindlessly answered, “He makes us brave so that we can do the things that He asks us to do.” Elana in all of her (then) three-year-old wisdom followed up with this question: “Does God ask us to do scary things?” It was then that I completely focused on the conversation I was having with my kid and the depth of the question she asked hit me. I started crying (I do this a lot lately) and answered, “Yes, sometimes God does ask us to do scary things.” The rest of our car ride was filled with me explaining to Elana the scary things that God is asking our family to do. Although she doesn’t fully know the extent of my fears with traveling to a developing nation, she does know that it is scary for me. More importantly however, she knows that God will be with us as we walk beyond the shore into the waves.

So what are your fears? What scary thing is God asking you to do? Make a change in careers? Downsize your house? Adopt a child? Give more money? Volunteer for something you might not be good at? Write a blog revealing some of your deepest fears?

In response to the question in my blog title, “Aren’t you afraid of…?” The answer is:

Yes. I am afraid of a whole lot of things, but I would rather trust God and follow Him somewhere scary than allow that something scary to keep me from living my life for Him.

What He says we will do;
  Where He sends, we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.

~John H. Sammis