After hearing that Matt and I are planning to live a life in
medical missions, people usually ask where we are headed, if we are taking the
kids with us, and then comes the question above. The blank is typically filled
in with various forms of these:
“…your kids getting sick?”
“…getting malaria?”
“…your kids getting hurt?”
“…getting the zika virus?”
“…terrorism?”
This blog post will serve to address the fear factor of
serving in a remote region overseas (at least as it relates to me).
*Everyday Fears
What do bears, tornados, and centipedes have in common?
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| I'm upset that I even included this pic in my blog. |
While you might be able to come up with a creative way that
these things are connected, the easiest answer is that they are all things that
scare me.
My family and friends have been taking camping trips in central
Pennsylvania since before I was born. In fact, my dad has been going there
since he was 5. When I was in my tweens, I decided to leave the comforts of my
parents’ pop-up and sleep in a tent with my cousin. It was my first night in
the tent when I heard a bear (or so I thought) grunting close by. I quickly
woke my cousin up and whispered, “Steph! Do you hear that? There is a bear out
there!” Once she was alert enough to realize what I was talking about, she
informed me that the noise I was referring to was my uncle snoring in the tent
next to us. Regardless, I returned to the safety of my parents’ camper the next
night.
This is just one example of how fear can cause us to do
irrational things…like wake our cousin up in the middle of the night because
her dad is snoring. While the fears I listed above are minor and simply mean
that I avoid them as much as possible, the reality is I (and I’m guessing
others too) possess a great number of fears that regularly work to diminish my
joy and trust in God.
Shortly after Matt and I were married, he learned how crazy
my fears and anxiety can make me. Every night I would ask him if he checked
that the doors were locked. I would even wake him up in the middle of the night
to double check that he closed the garage door. Often I worry about these
things and can’t go to sleep until I go check them myself. Soon after we moved
into the house we now rent, I began having trouble sleeping on nights when Matt
was working. I would lie awake for hours staring at the cracked bedroom door,
imagining shadows passing. Every tiny sound would startle me awake and I would
focus intently on listening for anything until I finally drifted back to sleep
for another few minutes. I would imagine the house catching on fire and how I
would attempt to rescue the kids. I would dream about intruders entering our
house and being the victim of a violent crime. Within the past month, I even dreamt
of Satan standing over me and strangling me while I was sleeping. My fears of
being alone at night became so real for me that Satan had literally entered
into my dreams.
*Missionary Fears
While many of my fears are not dependent upon location (Ex.
Worrying that either of my kids will develop a terminal illness), preparing for
the mission field has opened up a whole new breeding ground for fear in my
life. Minor anxieties like…What if my kids have a total meltdown in the middle
of the airport? What if I don’t get enough food at the grocery store to last us
the entire month? What if I unintentionally say something insensitive? (If I am
honest, all 3 of these will probably happen.) After those trivial fears come
the big ones…What if we get separated from Matt? What if one of us gets
seriously injured? What if my parents have a health crisis? What if we end up in the middle of a violent attack? What if
I fail at being a missionary?
Although I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on dealing
with fear or knowing how spiritual warfare works, I do know that since last
July when Matt and I started taking steps to become full-time missionaries, the
presence of fear in my life has increased immensely. I have no doubt that the
enemy is trying his hardest to use my fears to keep me from following God’s
will for my life. Over the past six months I have seen a counselor to learn how
to manage my fears, been more open and honest with others about my fears, and
most importantly, increased the amount of time I spend reading God’s word and
in prayer. As I said, I am not an expert in this area, but here are some ways
that I have found to keep fear from controlling my life.
*Defining My Fears
As fear was quickly turning into anger at both God and my
husband for asking me to give up this American life, I realized the need to
attend a few counseling sessions to work through some of these issues. While I
learned a lot from my counseling, one of the most useful tools I gleaned was to
define and dissect my fears.
Step 1: Clearly define my specific fears.
Step 2: Translate them into the worst possible case.
Step 3: Determine what would happen if that fear actually
came to be.
So here is a light-hearted example using my fear of bears:
Step 1: Define the Fear: I am afraid of bears attacking me.
Step 2: Worst Possible Case: A bear attacks me and my family
while camping and we are all mauled to death.
Step 3: Result: I go to heaven with my family and party with
Jesus for all of eternity. My extended family grieves, finds our will, and
deals with the few items we actually own on this planet.
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| See how scary?? |
While this example is somewhat silly, I actually went
through this assignment with each of my biggest fears about a life in full time
missions. I discussed them with Matt and together we came up with an action
plan in the case that any of my greatest fears actually happened. It was a very
somber discussion, but it left me feeling relieved. I finally recognized how
irrational many of my fears are. Additionally, I realized that if my worst
fears do come true, God and my family will be there to help me through.
*Communicating with
God about my fears
While analyzing my fears allowed me to capture and tackle exactly
what I was afraid of, I found that the enemy was still capable of using my
fears against me. I have never felt the presence of Satan as much as I have
since we started this full-time missions process. The enemy does not want my
family to succeed. Which tells me that God must have something great planned.
Satan’s lies have become a daily weight in our family. While he likes to change
up his tactics to keep us on our toes, one of his favorite ways to mess with me
is to instigate fear. For a while I listened to Satan and allowed fear to tear
my relationship with my family and God apart. It was through songs at church
and in the car that I started to hear truth from God.
“I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind.
The God of angel
armies is always by my side.” (Chris Tomlin)
“I am holding on to you. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on. I
am.”
(David Crowder)
I would fight to hold back the tears anytime these songs
came on because there was such an intense battle going on inside of me. A battle
between Satan saying, “Your worst fears are going to happen. Your life is going
to be destroyed.” And God saying, “I’ve got this. You won’t be alone.” As God
was working in my heart through music, I began to recognize my need to
increase the amount of time I spent reading my Bible and praying. I started
studying His word more frequently and with more focus. I started memorizing
scripture that speaks truth into my life.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise-in
God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56: 3-4)
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for
the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1: 9)
I started praying earnestly for God to protect me from
Satan’s schemes. I would (and still do) fall asleep begging God to keep the
enemy out of my head. Matt and I started asking some of our closest friends and
mentors to join us in prayer for protection. Although my struggle with fear is
still a daily battle, I am not fighting it alone anymore. I have family,
friends, and most importantly, the God of angel armies on my side. The only
defense I found to keeping fear from controlling my life is to regularly and
desperately read scripture and spend time in prayer.
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| Not as scary as the other 2 pics, but they can still be scary at times. :) |
*My preschooler
induced epiphany
A few weeks ago I was driving in the car with the kids. The
song “You Make Me Brave” came on the radio and I started to get my praise on.
The bridge lyrics are:
“You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.
You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you’ve made.”
(Bethel
Music)
Elana was listening to me sing along with the radio and
interrupted, “Mommy, why does God make us brave?” I mindlessly answered, “He
makes us brave so that we can do the things that He asks us to do.” Elana in
all of her (then) three-year-old wisdom followed up with this question: “Does
God ask us to do scary things?” It was then that I completely focused on the
conversation I was having with my kid and the depth of the question she
asked hit me. I started crying (I do this a lot lately) and answered, “Yes,
sometimes God does ask us to do scary things.” The rest of our car ride was
filled with me explaining to Elana the scary things that God is asking our
family to do. Although she doesn’t fully know the extent of my fears with
traveling to a developing nation, she does know that it is scary for me. More
importantly however, she knows that God will be with us as we walk beyond the shore
into the waves.
So what are your fears? What scary thing is God asking you
to do? Make a change in careers? Downsize your house? Adopt a child? Give more
money? Volunteer for something you might not be good at? Write a blog revealing
some of your deepest fears?
In response to the question in my blog title, “Aren’t you
afraid of…?” The answer is:
Yes. I am afraid of a whole lot of things, but I would
rather trust God and follow Him somewhere scary than allow that something scary
to keep me from living my life for Him.
What He says we will do;
Where He sends, we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.
Where He sends, we will go,
Never fear, only trust and obey.
~John H. Sammis
